(The interview occurred on July 21, 2022. Here is the verbatim transcript of that interview. Occasional editorial descriptions and explanations are paraenthetical and preceded by "Ed." Nonverbal vocalizations and events are bracketed.)
What is your name?
Curious
What's curious?
Me. I am. That's my name.
Serious?
Curious
OK. Where do you live?
I live in the 5th dimenson of existence.
With whom do you live?
We each live in our own house. But the houses are so closely situated, it's as if we actually lived together. Like sister wives in a polygamy union.
You said we and us. How many gods are there?
All the Greek gods, the Roman gods, the Norse gods, the Hindu gods, the Aztec gods, the Druid gods, all the gods of indigenous peoples around your planet, and the many gods recruited and invested with godly powers by the EC, the Executive Council. So about 3,000.
I'm getting out of sequence with my prepared questions, but I have to follow up. Why so many gods?
The EC decided to have a god for almost everything. We have a god of sunsets, a separate god for sunrises―some of these are embarassing to say out loud―a god of Olympic volleyball, a god of recyclable cardboard―these are just coming off the top of my head, so to speak―a god of organic foods, a god of miniature sculptures, a god of vintage Levis, a god of microprocessors, a god of gods. We even have a god of atheism. The newest gods are the god of reparations for oppressed peoples and the god of Snickers.
Let's, uh, get back to that later. Where were you born?
I don't know. I don't know that I was born―not in any way that resembles how Earthlings are born.
I'll rephrase. When did you come into existence?
I don't know precisely, but it must've been between 15 and 16 billion years ago.
What is your occupation?
I am a god. I'm also chair of the EC and founder and president emeritus of the Curious School of Creation Science.
Describe your education.
All my life I have been a student in the school of hard knocks, so to speak. Of course, I have learned quite a lot in 15, 16 billion years, as you can well imagine. Oh, and I took a free online course from Harvard—18th-Century Opera: Handel and Mozart.
Contrary to popular belief, I am not all-knowing or all-seeing. I see only what you see when your eyes and your mind are open. I do have an eidetic memory, however, which means I recall everything. If you give me any date in history, I'll tell you which day of the week it fell on.
Anything else you can do with your eidetic memory?
I can recite the contents of any book I have ever read. And I have read thousands. I can recite all the dialog of all the movies I have ever seen. And I have seen almost 2,000. "Armageddon," the Al Pacino version of "Scarface," "The Wild Bunch"—the most atrocious dialog, each of them. "The Wild Bunch" is a great movie with the sound off.
Anyway, I have read voraciously since Gutenberg, everyone from Aeschylus to Zwingli and everything from aardvarks to zymosans. I have read and retained so much that some of my fellow gods actually believe I am all-knowing and all-seeing. Their powers of discernment need sharpening.
Are you now or have you ever been in a commited relationship?
It's, uh, complicated. But yes, I believe I was in a commited relationship for several billion years and I believe I am in one now.
Why did you qualify your answer with I believe?
You see, this is where it gets complicated. Two billion years ago my wife, the god Lyflower, was reassigned to a distant sector of the 6th dimension. I was offered the opportunity to take a joint reassignment and go with her. I declined.
Why?
Well, although everything in the 6th dimension was so much nicer than what we had here, I turned it down because Aphrodite was here. Lyflower has waged legal warfare ever since and is stubbornly refusing to consent to a divorce.
Meanwhile, I truly am in a commited relationship with the god Aphrodite. We love each other. And according to the Executive Council, we could quote unquote marry in a civil union ceremony while waiting for Lyflower to relent. Fat chance of her ever doing that.
Why don't you accept the EC's offer and quote unquote marry in a civil union?
Because the further terms of the offer are that Aphrodite relinquish her status as a god, become mortal, and change her name to Feces. It doesn't mean up here what it means down there. But still—.
Do you have children?
Oh yes, three girls by Lyflower—Celeste, Aurora, and Quasar.
You have no sons?
God no! Boys are pigs. They can't pee straight, their bathrooms stink, their bedrooms stink, their feet stink. Pigs.
I have to go off-script again. Give me a minute.
OK. The fax—a fax, dude!—I received from you while I was on my way out the door says you are quote the one true god, the creator, director, principal, the father, heavenly father, higher power, presence of infinite power and love, and the spirit of the universe unquote.
Yes. That's me.
Curious.
Yes?
No, I mean I find all of this curious. Who are you, really? You communicate by fax. I could understand a fountain pen or goose quill or even smoke signals, carrier pidgeons, or an IBM Selectric III. You carry business cards, orange business cards, that quite frankly look as though you laminated them yourself with shipping tape. Each card contains the litany of your nicknames. And now you tell me you have no sons? I, uh, I—let's take a break.
Yes, good, I'm enjoying this.
[195-minute break]
If you could live anywhere, where would you live?
Aphrodite and I are so excited about the move to the 7th dimension! We've seen the brochures!
If you could live anywhere in Earth's galaxy—the Milky Way—where would you live?
Saturn. Those rings are dope.
If you could live anywhere on Earth, where would you live?
The Ritz-Carlton, Manhattan or Paris.
What is your favorite Earthling book?
It's a three-way tie. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Dune. And Merriam-Webster's 11th Collegiate Dictionary.
What is your favorite Earthling movie?
Jeanne Dielman, 23 quai du commerce, 1080 bruxelles. Brilliant.
What is your favorite Earthling piece of music?
Enter Sandman is my favorite song. Beethoven's Ninth Symphony is my favorite longer work.
If you could be any human being in history, who would you be?
Santa Claus.
Last question. If you could take any god into battle with you, whom would you take?
Sweetheart, if you're watching this, I'm sorry—but you are a lover, not a fighter.
Let me see. Let me see. Aries would be the smart choice. But I would choose my godfather, Zeus.
I'm, uh, I know we've already gone overtime, but—sorry to do this, but my editor and producer need me to ask one more question. Our viewers will want to know how long you're prepared to wait for Lyflower to agree to a divorce.
I've been married 10 billion years to shrill shreaking lunacy. How long will I wait? Till hell freezes over.
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